How to be a Latin lover
· Extracted from Latin Love Lessons: Put a Little Ovid in Your Life by Charlotte Higgins, published by Short Books. . All English translations are from Peter Green's The Erotic Poems by Ovid (Penguin Classics).
Forget all those modern guides to dating. If you want to find a partner, the ancient Romans can tell you all you need to know. In an extract from her new book, Charlotte Higgins explains what we can learn from Ovid's Ars Amatoria
The Guardian, Tuesday 25 September 2007
How to find your dream lover ... Liz Taylor as Cleopatra.
Bookshops teem with guides to grabbing the perfect partner. How to find a husband after 35; why men are from Mars and women are from Venus; what grisly Rules to follow to catch yourself a man. In reality, the only advice you will ever need is from the original and best Latin lovers: the Romans. The Romans invented lots of things: straight roads, underfloor heating, excellent sewage systems. But more importantly than that, they invented romantic love.
The Greeks may have written wonderfully about desire, but Catullus was the first classical poet to write about the joy and heartbreak of relationships. And Ovid left us a detailed, scandalous, hilarious, cynical, explicit and still user-friendly handbook on how to go about finding, and keeping, the man or woman of our dreams.
This fabulous poem, the Ars Amatoria, or The Art of Love, was first published around the time that Jesus Christ was teething. And it's still up to the job better than the stuff in the self-help section of the local bookshop.
The Ars is the ancient equivalent of a how-to book. It is a didactic poem - that is, a poem meant to teach you something. Its forebears in the genre of didactic poetry tended to be about respectable things such as farming and the natural sciences. Ovid's Ars Amatoria is quite a different proposition. Instead of teaching you the right time to prune your vines or how atoms work, it is full of brilliant information on sexual positions and how to apply makeup to maximise your pulling power. Ovid had taken a serious, learned literary genre and done something daringly racy and sexy with it.
Alas, the poem was off-message as far as the emperor was concerned. Augustus, despite a youth full of exuberant philandering, had become rather obsessed with family values by the time it was published, probably between 2BC and AD2.
In I, Claudius, the 1976 television epic adapted from Robert Graves's novels, Augustus, in the booming tones of the mighty Brian Blessed, is heard to utter of Ovid: "I've never liked that man. All right, his poetry's very beautiful. But it's also very smutty. A lot of it's downright indecent. Frankly, I wouldn't have him in the house ... Write poetry, yes, but write about nice things, things that you'd like your family to hear."
Total invention, of course, but not entirely implausible. In AD8 Augustus made his disapproval felt by banishing poor Ovid to the remote and deeply provincial Tomis on the Black Sea. This is now the Romanian resort of Constanta and still not necessarily a place you would want to spend a decade of your life. Although his wife stayed in Rome, lobbying for his pardon, Ovid never made it back, and died there in AD18.
But that is enough history. It's time to get down to the important business of how to find a partner, Roman style.
1 Get ready
As every marketing expert knows, attractive packaging is half the battle when it comes to selling a product. So it is time to consider a makeover:
et nihil emineant et sint sine sordibus ungues,
inque caua nullus stet tibi nare pilus.
nec male odorati sit tristis anhelitus oris,
nec laedat nares uirque paterque gregis.
cetera lasciuae faciant concede puellae
et si quis male uir quaerit habere uirum.
Keep your nails pared, and dirt-free;
Don't let those long hairs sprout
In your nostrils, make sure your breath is never offensive,
Avoid the rank male stench
That wrinkles noses. Beyond this is for wanton women
Or any half-man who wants to attract men.
I think we'll draw a veil over Ovid's little dig at boys who like boys. What he is going for, generally, is a sensible middle path between unwashed he-man and the wilder shores of David Beckham-style metrosexuality. In the passage preceding this one, he warns against going over the top with the boy beauty regimen: "sed tibi nec ferro placeat torquere capillos/nec tua mordaci pumice crura teras" - "Don't think it's a good idea to style your hair with curling irons, or depilate your legs with stinging pumice."
Where he would have stood on moisturising and manbags is, alas, unclear, but my sense is that he would probably have poured mild scorn upon them. His perfectly cogent advice is that a fellow who wants to attract the ladies should have high standards of personal hygiene, be turned out stylishly and (I think we can all raise a glass to this) definitely come minus nasal hair.
For the girls, naturally, a similar attention to detail is required. Let's have no Julia Roberts-style body hair, he advises. "Quam paene admonui, ne trux caper iret in alas/neque forent duris aspera crura pilis" - "I was going to advise you about grim, goaty armpits, and rough, bristling hair on your legs."
As for makeup, keep it discreet, and don't give the gentlemen any hint of all the trouble that went into the creation. Preserve some mystique.
non tamen expositas mensa deprendat amator
pyxidas: ars faciem dissimulata iuuat.
But don't let your lover find all those jars and bottles
On your dressing table: the best
Makeup remains unobtrusive.
Simply emerge gorgeously "done", a creature unlike any other, as that horrible dating book The Rules might say. We're not interested in seeing a lump of marble or what goes on in the artist's studio: just the beautiful finished sculpture.
Hairdos are clearly a bit of a thing for Ovid - if only Vogue's beauty pages waxed as lyrical:
munditiis capimur: non sint sine lege capilli;
admotae formam dantque negantque manus.
nec genus ornatus unum est: quod quamque decebit,
eligat et speculum consulat ante suum.
longa probat facies capitis discrimina puri:
sic erat ornatis Laodamia comis.
exiguum summa nodum sibi fronte relinqui,
ut pateant aures, ora rotunda uolunt.
alterius crines umero iactentur utroque:
talis es adsumpta, Phoebe canore, lyra;
altera succinctae religetur more Dianae,
ut solet, attonitas cum petit illa feras.
What attracts us is elegance - so don't neglect your hairstyle;
Looks can be made or marred by a skilful touch.
Nor will one style suit all: there are innumerable fashions,
And each girl should look in her glass
Before choosing what suits her reflection. Long features go best with
A plain central parting: that's how
Laodamia's hair was arranged. A round-faced lady
Should pile all her hair on top,
Leaving the ears exposed. One girl should wear it down on
Her shoulders, like Apollo about to play
The lyre; another should braid it in the style of the huntress
Diana, when she's after some frightened beast,
Skirt hitched up.
Rome, the epic television series about the last years of the Republic, gives a great sense of the complicated hairdos that were in vogue at the time. Lindsay Duncan, who plays Julius Caesar's mistress Servilia, and Polly Walker, as the hilarious Atia, mother of Octavian (who later dubbed himself Augustus), are always emerging from their bedrooms with heads sporting yet more extraordinary dos topped off with elaborate curls and braids. If you can't manage to source a fabulous wig made from the tresses of some hapless Gaulish captive, I suggest you do what Ovid says (terribly Trinny and Susannah, this): carefully pick a hairstyle that suits you. The Laodamia whom he mentions in this passage, by the way, was married to Protesilaus, the first Greek to be killed in the Trojan war.
The final part of the makeover is mental. Ovid suggests acquiring a smattering of Latin poetry, which, happily for you, is precisely what you are now doing.
2 Get out there
We are not going to find a partner by sitting at home. Get out there, into the city: create opportunities to meet people. Be bold, suggests Ovid: talk to those pretty girls who are hanging out at the temple of Palatine Apollo or in Pompey's portico. And, girls, never, ever, turn down an invitation to a party:
sera ueni positaque decens incede lucerna:
grata mora uenies, maxima lena mora est;
etsi turpis eris, formosa uidebere potis,
et latebras uitiis nox dabit ipsa tuis.
Arrive late, when the lamps are lit; make a
graceful entrance -
Delay enhances charm, delay's a great bawd.
Plain you may be, but at night you'll look fine
to the tipsy:
Soft lights and shadows will mask your faults.
Men, you might just want to factor in that flattering lighting when you are sizing up the girls:
hic tu fallaci nimium ne crede lucernae:
iudicio formae noxque merumque nocent.
luce deas caeloque Paris spectauit aperto,
cum dixit Veneri "uincis utramque, Venus."
nocte latent mendae uitioque ignoscitur omni,
horaque formosam quamlibet illa facit.
Don't trust the lamplight too much,
It's deceptive. When Paris examined those
goddesses, when he said, "You Beat them both, Venus," he did it in broad
Daylight. But darkness hides faults, each
blemish is forgiven:
Any woman you name will pass
As a beauty at night.
As for actually striking up a conversation with someone you fancy? Easy, says Ovid. Here's an example. You are sitting next to a pretty girl at the races ...
hic tibi quaeratur socii sermonis origo,
et moueant primos publica uerba sonos:
cuius equi ueniant facito studiose requiras,
nec mora, quisquis erit cui fauet illa, faue.
at cum pompa frequens caelestibus ibit eburnis,
tu Veneri dominae plaude fauente manu;
utque fit, in gremium puluis si forte puellae
deciderit, digitis excutiendus erit;
etsi nullus erit puluis, tamen excute nullum.
some excuse to engage in friendly
conversation,
Casual small talk at first -
Ask, with a show of interest, whose are those horses
Just coming past: find out
Her favourite, back it yourself. When the
long procession of ivory
Deities approaches, be sure you give
A big hand to Lady Venus. If some dust should settle
In your girl's lap, flick it away
With your fingers; and if there's no dust,
Still flick away - nothing.
A potential seducer could give a broad hint as to his intent by enthusiastically applauding Venus, the goddess of love, when the procession of images of the gods passes. The daring might even try to cop a feel. That old flicking-away-the-dust trick - a sturdy and trusted method, even in AD2.
3 Get on with it
You have made overtures to a potential lover: but how actually to ensnare the target? Ovid's advice is that victory is all about self-belief. Imagine yourself invincible, and chances are you will be.
prima tuae menti ueniat fiducia, cunctas
posse capi: capies, tu modo tende plagas.
uere prius uolucres taceant, aestate cicadae,
Maenalius lepori det sua terga canis,
femina quam iuueni blande temptata epugnet;
haec quoque, quam poteris credere nolle, uolet.
The first thing to get in your head is that every single
Girl can be caught - and that you'll catch her if
You set your toils right. Birds will sooner fall
dumb in spring time,
Cicadas in summer, or a hunting-dog
Turn his back on a hare, than a lover's bland inducements
Can fail with a woman.
Not actually true in the real world, gentlemen. But the point is: be bold, be resolute and, if you expect success, you will be pretty likely to meet with it.
Keeping in touch with a new love interest requires special skill. Ovid may have been talking about letters written on wax tablets, but exactly the same applies to email. Used carefully, correspondence can be a great part of your battery. Used badly, it can scupper your chances. Don't be too highfalutin in your writing style: it should be clear and conversational. "Sit tibi credibilis sermo consuetaque uerba,/ blanda tamen, praesens ut uideare loqui" - "use everyday language, familiar yet flattering words, as though you were there, in her presence."
On the other hand, write carefully. Illiterate communications are a major turn-off. Ovid, quite rightly, warns against a barbara lingua, "a barbarous style". I am going to take a giant leap and suggest that this includes the use of all emoticons in electronic communications. People, don't. And don't reply absolutely at once. You don't want to look desperate, do you? "Postque breuem rescribe moram: mora semper amantes incitat" - "Write back after a little delay: delay always fires up lovers," says Ovid.
By this time, if you have followed all the poet's steps faithfully, you should have pulled. If not, keep trying. Persistence is everything.
Here, he is talking about the famously faithful Penelope. While her husband Odysseus was away fighting the Trojan war for 10 years, and then for another decade trying to make it home to Ithaca across the Mediterranean, she was assailed by suitors trying to get her to marry them.
quid magis est saxo durum, quid mollius unda?
dura tamen molli saxa cauantur aqua.
Penelopen ipsam, persta modo, tempore uinces:
capta uides sero Pergama, capta tamen.
What is softer than water,
What harder than stone? Yet the soft
Water-drip hollows hard rock. In time, with persistence,
You'll conquer Penelope. Troy fell late,
But fall it did.
Remember: Rome wasn't built in a day.
· Extracted from Latin Love Lessons: Put a Little Ovid in Your Life by Charlotte Higgins, published by Short Books. . All English translations are from Peter Green's The Erotic Poems by Ovid (Penguin Classics).
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